Abstract versions of self

Abstract versions of self



Abstract versions of self.

Believe it or not that's 'me', a pic taken of self just a few years ago...most won't believe it cause I look so young...I can't help that part, but it's me...but in abstract form.

It's art, if my name were 'Pedigree' I'd be given awards for it, but since my name is not 'pedigree', it will just be scoffed at, dismissed as odd.

But it's not, what it is is honest.

'Crowned loser' is the title.

And that's what many go through life feeling, is as crowned losers.

And if you can't relate than to me you're a snake.

If you can relate, than to me you're honest.

We're born, then we age, then we die, we're given a short time to live, to express self in that small window.

Some are given very large glorious platforms in which to express self, others are given crumbs, which are eaten by rats.

I will no longer allow 'rats' to define me.

'Abstract version of self'.

Honesty through art.

A beautiful mind...the movie vs reality





Ahh, the movie 'A beautiful mind' vs how people, in real life, respond to such a type.

It just depends on who you're around and what institution you're apart of.
That man, in the movie, what seperated him from a looney bin or hospital or being homeless, was 'LOVE', the people around him, primarily his wife, never gave up on him, and continued to love him through it all, even though he had (Can't spell the word) mental delusions.

Yet he went on to win the noble peace prize or the scientific equivalent to that.

And as he said in his acceptance speech, love makes all the difference in the world.
Without love, don't care how bright you are, without love, you just don't matter.

Recently, I may have found someone who's willing to love me 'as is', when the rest of the world, including my family, has abandoned me years ago.
Can't tell you how that makes me feel, to actually possibly, matter to someone again.

To be continued.

Gravity



You never quite know where a person is, mentally, until you study their art, or at least where they are in that moment.

When I workout, my body responds decently, it's just before and after, that well, sometimes muscle pain or soreness can be felt.

Also, workouts don't really improve my mood, hope, hope for the future is what changes your mood.

But without hope, it's like working out on a ship that's sinking, sure, your fine for the moment, but what about tomorrow?

Today, yuk



Today, yuk...not sure what to do with it yet, nor am I prepared for it.
Why can't time just sit still?

I shouldn't of drank last night, but just felt lonely...
I drink mainly out of loneliness, if at all anymore, but got to find a way not to feel lonely so I don't drink, cause drinking sucks, and is terrible for the body, mind and spirit.

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Have a phone meeting in a few hours, wish I could cancel it, and might.
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Anyways, time to get up...it's like I'm stuck between getting up and not wanting to.
Sure, I'm up, but now what?

Just not feeling today yet.

Not having the best feeling day



Not having the best feeling day, not even, not the worst, but not the best.
I drank yesterday night, and paying the price for it today, sort of.
I did manage to get in a workout at the park.
If I wasn't already in OK shape, today could of been worse.

Still though, I'm totally being lazy, my mind is lazy, I don't feel like doing anything.
Don't feel like studying, reading, learning, nothing.

I really would just like to be left alone.
I could just see myself out in the desert somewhere getting stoned, and being all alone, like a personal retreat.

That would be fun, although now days with all the immigrants crawling around everywhere, not sure how safe a open desert would be, heck, I could even get scooped up as an illegal immigrant, well, maybe not under this admin.

Anyways, just sitting here wasting time, waiting for my motivation and drive to come back...maybe some coffee will help.
Beer would be nice, but nah, with beer, comes old minor health issues...I've gotta stay on the sobriety track for my own sake.

It's Friday



It's Friday, I just got back from a long cross nation trip/flight, which absolutely sucked.
Not sure what's fun about flying anymore.
It's dangerous, violent, cramped, intrusive, and lonely....no thanks.

Anyways, looks like all my dreams for the past 10 months have been shattered...and now, well, I really have no place to go, at least not a comfortable spot...as in immediate direction in life.

I really don't want to return to some dreadful, dull, mundane labor job, where your people skills, and looks, matter not at all.

I'd like to work in the entertainment industry, fancy places with fancy people, anything but driving some dull truck again.
May even try to start my own business, but that's such a gamble.

My plan was to get a small used RV and just move...maybe I still will...I just don't know.

At my age, can I go back to that off grid lifestyle?
I mean sure, lot's of Seniors do it, and love it...but would I?
I just don't know...I'm literally clueless about what's going to happen over the next few weeks.

But for now, I do have a place, it's comfortable, and well, whatever happens next, who knows.
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Anyways, it's Friday, and it's October and Halloween is approaching, has always been my favorite month, but sadly I just don't get into the spirit of it like I used to when I had friends and all.
And in the B hood areas, these culturally dead tweebs don't get into nothing other than foul rap music.

There really isn't much culture within the urban B community, there's just anger, suspicion, and a lot of attitude.

Oh well, can't let that ruin my space...
Happy Halloween, here soon.