A very long Journey since leaving Pullman

Not the most productive day so far...I've been in mental and physical retreat...phones off, and there's like decisions I need to communicate with others today at a online course I reversed decision on do to to much money right now, and me being out of work for a while.

I have no one to take care of me, look out for me, nothing, it's as if I don't exist.
I'm only valuable to others as long as I have funds.

My value to this world is zero...I know that, as such I'm not in a rush to do or sign or pay for anything.

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Also, there was another man who tried to shoot Trump, they've been caught...wow.

We all have our issues, Trump has his issues, and I have mine.

It's Monday.

Yes, it's been a long journey for sure.
Not sure what the point of that journey is anymore.
If not living to fulfill your dreams or ambitions than what is one living for?

Family affair type stuff, but also applies to others in relationships on this planet



Evil whispers, chats behind close doors, good and love confronts, desires to resolve and settle....for the betterment of all.

Which are you?

I changed the look of this forum board, again...I just needed a different background theme, that last one was depressing me.
I don't really draw inspiration from Pullman anymore, that past, for the most part, hasn't really been any good for me or to me, other than helping me have a broader spectrum of life...but even that hasn't helped me.

Maybe it's better to be stupid and happy than smart and alone or alienated.

Tuesday



Yes, it's Tuesday, it's also October. I haven't had time to get into the October spirit yet, or the Halloween spirit, been so preoccupied with other stuff.
But to be honest, it's just do to my very poor management of time.
I'm terrible at managing my own time.

Today I will try to get some stuff done and focus, but I always say that.
I've gotta prepare for a trip, a flight, presentation, and more.
I still have to buy some clothes, some pants, and more...still have to check my bank records, and more.
I need to snap out of my mental lazy spell...running out of time is like being sucked into a vortex.



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Anyways, also hurricane is approaching, hopefully won't be affected by it much, but you never know, and I hope the flight I'm supposed to catch isn't cancelled or delayed as a result...I have a small window.

And after the 20th of this month, I have no idea what follows, literally I don't.
Move, stay, get a job...I have no idea, I just know it won't be fun for me, change is never fun when you get older.
When you get older you just want stability...and when you find a place that's stable, you want it to last forever, but it doesn't.

The thing is, I know to much about human nature now and people to want to move.
When younger, you feel sexy, you feel as if you're gods gift to the world and that everyone should be delighted to have you around...but decades of observing human behavior, biases, etc, you realize not so.
It's just when younger, our ignorance shields us from reality.

Anyways, enough babbling, it's time to put the day in gear and get some stuff done.

It's Tuesday, and it's October, Halloween is right around the corner.

When the weekend arrives, or 5 pm on Friday, I feel a bit more calm and safe, in that all the administrative monsters are off the clock.

At a very hard juncture in my life's path.

I told myself, about a year ago, I never wanted to ever again be stuck, while still alive....meaning a slave to the system, meaning at the mercy of the system, meaning having to pay high rent, thus having to work a job I despise in order to pay that rent.

I did that for years, it's meaningless, unless have a family you're raising.
But if single, it's meaningless just to work just to work just to pay bills while saving absolutely nothing.

Where the only time your checking account grows is during tax season when you get a refund.

I can't do that no more.

My options are as follows

1. Just up and move.
Sometimes you just have to up and get the hell out of a place and change environments completely in order to find new motivation. It's never an easy thing to do, especially when older.

2. Buy a used RV, travel trailer, etc, and live out of it.
RV lot rents aren't a low as they used to be, but can still save money with an RV more so than paying rent, but have to get used to living on the 'lamb' for a while and doing without certain comforts...for sure.
Having a RV will help me never to feel 'trapped' by the system. And with homelessness rampant in many cities and towns, often times if find the right spot to camp, can do so for free while continuing to work full time or part-time and saving up for some land or school or this or that.
All an expensive apartment does, at my age, is eat up what's left of my dreams, money, cash.

3. Stay where I'm at and take one more risk and start my own online business...if it works, great, if not, it'll just be one in a long list of other things I've tried and failed at, only if I fail at this, I'm back to being a slave. Can I live with that??

It's a total gamble.

The money I'd spend to hire a professional web designer is basically the same amount it would cost me to move coast to coast using a U-Haul, and or 3 months worth of rent, and or any other emergency that might come up.

Life is no fun when you've depleted your savings, and the clock starts a ticking.
I just can't go forward working any ole job anymore that sucks up all my time, where I come home to grouchy to want to do anything meaningful, and more months, years, just fly by while I accomplish absolutely nothing.

4. could always just go live in someone's room, smaller space, for around 6oo.oo, doesn't make sense to pay much more than that for a room.

Decisions decisions...there is no right decision, and that's what makes it so hard...cause with each decision comes so many other variables to consider or that could happen outside of your, my, our, control.

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I just know when always rushed for money, it totally robs me of my creative side, if all I'm thinking about is a pay check and paying this or that bill, it just kills your spirit, you come home, and all you want to do is drink to escape the pain of a lousy life.
I don't want to go back to that.

And I'm old enough to realize just wishing for something, a good outcome, and or praying that 'God' will give you the good outcome you want doesn't guarantee anything...at least not for me.

Either way, I've gotta make a decision here soon, within days, or I'll be stuck here for another 6-7 months which = 7 thousand dollars minimum in rent and expenses, then what?

It would help if I wasn't alone, and had someone to plan with, but I don't.
And if I fall, no one will give a sht, I mean no one, if anything they'll quietly cheer.

Sometimes it's why it's easier for me to make big decisions when drunk, cause you just do it, and then have to deal with it later.